Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Angola of my Dreams

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I Got What America Needs Right Here
By Jimmy Carter
January 9, 2008 |
The Onion Issue 44•02
Sometimes I’m a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I’m wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. ‘Cause, unless I’m missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you’re gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in ‘08? Fat fucking chance.
Way I see it, America needs a president who’s gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.
See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got ‘em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.
You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter’s rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there’s no way I’m ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin’ election. So you can just bite my cock. I’ve had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.
You actually seem to think one a’ these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas’ titties.
But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It’s not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in ‘79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.
Cocksuckers.
Oh, what’s that I hear? The weather’s all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin’-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we’d all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we’d still be sucking Saudi Arabia’s dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn’t get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he’s the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.
Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.
You want compassion? Somebody who’s looking out for the little guy? Why don’t you take a look at Jimmy Carter, ’cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I’ll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats’ asses they’ll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.
Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.
So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I’ll do it. I’d be honored to do it—with my fucking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.
You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.

Anonymous said...

A Letter of Introduction from T. Herman Zweibel

By T. Herman Zweibel
Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911)

The Onion
January 21, 2008 | Issue 44•03

The school-educated busy-bodies who manage my media properties inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new President. I almost cannot believe it is time for the suet-brained populace of this flagging Republic to be once again herded into the voting-booths to allegedly choose precisely which bloody-handed butcher will crack their bones and suck the marrow over the next few years. Futility, I say, rank and base futility! Does the grist choose the mill, the rabbit the hawk, the innocent 12-year-old Atlantic City orphan girl the lusty mob of beefy, drunk, vacationing coal-oil sales-men? They do not, and neither do the Citizens choose their Leaders. However, if The Onion news-paper can further the illusion that an individual vote has more potential to change the world than a lamb's last bubbling bleat in a crowded slaughter-house—and furthermore, if we may turn a hand-some profit by doing so—than let The Onion be the Judas goat to the milling herd of democratic cattle!

I am told that our new War of the White House section will contain the vetted and censored life stories of each candidate; white-washed and simplified versions of their heinous plans to drain the life and wealth of each and every tax-payer; a schedule denoting the appearances of every aspirant, so that one may go and be covered in unspeakable fulminating lies in person instead of hearing them over the crystal-set. I should God damned well hope that there will also be prettily-colored pictures, or else the average American citizen will not be able to keep his eye on it for more than a few heart-beats, and it would be better yet if there were accompanying photos of ample heaving bosoms. Sadly, the man in the street becomes affronted whenever he feels his supposed dignity is being besmirched. Why is this? The man in the street is, for all his puffery, standing there in the God damned street!

In any case, there will also be a section on how our Democracy works, despite even the simplest boor suspecting in his secret heart of hearts that it is a sham. Which it is. I have not voted since becoming a wealthy industrialist, having figured out some time ago that it is much wiser to employ the organ grinder than vote for the monkey. Still, I hope this special section is of some amusement to all. I understand that one of the candidates is campaigning in a dress this year, and yet another in a minstrel's blackface, which I must say was unexpected; but as long as there are no Catholics on the ballot, I see no reason to summon the marksmen.

Now get back to work!

Anonymous said...

Larry Flynt Has Sex With Own Mother In Outhouse
February 5, 1997 | Issue 31•04
KNOB CREEK, KY—In an incident that has shocked and repulsed even the most fervent free-expression advocates, controversial Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt had sexual intercourse with his own mother in an outhouse Monday.
Enlarge Image
Larry Flynt, seen here attending the premiere of The People Vs. Larry Flynt, recently had an outhouse liaison with his own mother (inset). Flynt has vowed to fight himself in court over the sex act, which he called "unconscionable and sick."
According to reports, not only did Flynt place his mother "face-first in an outhouse shit-hole" near Flynt's poverty-stricken, white trash, backwoods place of birth before "taking her from behind like a dog," but he was also surrounded by pigs, sheep, convicted felons, born-again evangelists, Mafia-linked magazine distributors, and a huge-phallused caricature of Santa Claus at the time.
Particularly nauseating, sources say, was the fact that during the incestuous act, Flynt's colostomy bag exploded violently, covering Flynt, his mother, and all onlookers in a torrential shower of his own feces. Flynt, who is described by close friends and colleagues as a "perverted bastard," does not possess control over his own bowels.
The liaison, which is said to have been possibly the single most obscene and degrading act in human history, has left everyone from right-wing Christian leaders to ACLU lawyers to Larry Flynt himself condemning the sickening, depraved display.
"I cannot in good conscience allow myself to continue this sick, hideous abomination against all that is decent," Flynt said shortly after completion of the sexual liaison. "Our nation's children must be protected from filth like myself!"
Flynt added that videos of the event are available for $29.95 from Larry Flynt Publications, Inc.
Though confined to a wheelchair after being paralyzed by an assailant's bullet during a Georgia obscenity trial in 1978, Flynt, who can feel no sensation beneath the waist, was able to achieve erection and sexually penetrate his 81-year-old mother, Dolores Flynt. His success was largely due to a special penile implant that allows him to partially imitate the mechanics of sexual intercourse in a grotesque parody of the act of human love.
"If the Constitution will protect me, then it will protect all of you, because I'm the worst," Flynt said.

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